Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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