Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize