Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I deserve this hangover.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
