tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
