wat bout pragnant strippers??
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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