i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
