I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I fill condoms, not promises.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
