Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
