and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
