I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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