she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
