I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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