I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
