You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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