I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
