Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize