and you said cock pushups were impossible
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
