How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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