She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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