Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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