Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
