someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
