I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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