I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
