you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
