Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
did i just pee glitter
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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