I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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