By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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