last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
