It's Friday. Sex?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
