im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
