i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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