Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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