Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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