its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
