yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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