The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
