I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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