you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
