I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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