Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
