I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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