every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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