how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
