just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
