Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
