he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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