I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
