Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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