I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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