I wish I could teleport
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
