I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
