I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
