Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
