someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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