if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
