I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
