hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize