he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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