Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Panties = found
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