i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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