I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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