My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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