you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
