We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
