Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize