You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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