you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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