I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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